Reflection from the other side of the dream pool

Haunted by images I cannot reconcile with. Cannot select to hide the photo, only to avert my eyes. 

Cannot erase the stories or the memories of the past which intertwine. I cannot reject what has been but can choose how to carry myself forward, who I want to interact with. As I have grown, so has my power of choice. One of the lessons I learned was to say No. To stick to the decision and choose not to falter. To not go back on my own word. To allow myself to be treated how I want to be and walk away when something is not serving me. Not no as in out of hurt and anger, but strength and reason. Even with the inclusion of kindness. It is a marvel to be able to look up, to keep my chin up and to see the woman I am in the mirror as both beautiful, kind, strong and yet resilient. Forces and aspects I thought could not collaborate, turns out they do. No person is just one thing, or veering to one extreme. We are so many things at one time. Before I was a babydeer in headlights, a tiny rabbit ready to run. Now with my roots reaching the earth I am a tree that has been well planted. With the wind and the changes around me I remain strong. No current here to swallow me up, no storm to upend me. Not only am I stable, but I choose what I want to do with my leaves, where I want to expand my limbs. My arms are wide in a sort of hallelujah. I am Liberated to my bones. 

Revolution at our fingertips

 Met with anger rage and contempt

We declare to not defend the decision made by those we prefer not to associate with

I paint you a grave picture of a man of many faces

Unsure and undecided but willing to lead us to nowhere

Its out of our hands to fix what’s to come

The notion of nations

Composed of litigations

Consequences of voices unheard

While others are sung on high

Delivering messages which resonate as a battle cry

A coup d'etat

Rise up and fight

Rise against

Michael's customer brings up sexual assault

When you bring up Matt Lauer 

Accuse women of lying 

Want to know when it will all end 

So do I.

But this is where we differ

You want feminism to die out like 

A week long bad migraine

a bird with a bad wing and a fever

A wounded creature never meant to survive

You see, to one like you that is all we are 

Wives to cook 

Servantile 

In a subtler way

Our words to you hollow, unworthy of being heard

You have nothing against us, but it's us against the world

Tired of having to defend myself against the likes of you

To explain why women deserve equality

The reality is, it never will

Your wife looks so uncomfortable, I wonder how she does it

Stands there pretending she does not hear

That she is not here

As a woman I am stunned that you think women taking positions of power is something to look down upon

You are speaking to one

As though this is normal conversation

THIS IS NOT NORMAL conversation

How can you have been surrounded by women but lived so long considering them inferior. Having been raised by a women, born from your mother’s womb

Trauma

oozing puss, 

pitiful, poor, primal instinct 

Survival brain needs coping

You are Reptilian maggot

Helplessly squirming around 

Resting on all fours 

Crawling on it’s belly

Reeking of fear

Constantly triggered out of nowhere

Revolting and despicable

It’s Ugly Bleeding form

Shriveled worm makes slow progress

Weary being

Easily crushed 

Stepped on, suffocated 

A dimly Ominous presence 

Sour and perhaps slightly sinister

The drug of devastation does it administer

Hopeless variety 

Scrambling for safety

This Lingering pitiful thing 

Bad ass Grandma dreams

Grandma’s ghost appeared to me in a dream. As she came towards she warned me of imminent  danger. She urged me to seek out and find her hidden letters which she left at a secret base. This disclosed location was a wooden fortress existing in the middle of virtually nowhere. It was here that I came across her precious letters explaining how she really died. I grew up told she became sick, but this was only half the story of what actually happened to Trudy. The truth roared like a ferocious lion it’s warm Smelly breath right in my face. She was more than I ever realized. She had important work that led to her death and it was my job to put all the clues together and save the day. She had knowledge of dark things repressed, which led to her demise.

Her secrets could destroy the lives of those who had become involved. No one could know what she had discovered. Was she at the wrong place at the wrong time? Or was this merely an act and the truth was so much more than coincidence? Carrying these letters and her knife hidden beneath other garments, gun concealed beneath her boots. That Trudy was a real pistol. Hidden within a secretly disclosed location her letters were safely tucked away; waiting for the right person to find them. Included among the letters were old photos and graphic details pertaining to the crimes.

Carrying Shame

I stopped Wearing someone else’s skin a long time ago

found some comfort being in my own

I stopped pretending

became real again

I learned what shame looked and felt like for me

Worked to free myself from the arising shame

Came to learn I’ve been wearing other people’s shame

Even when I worked to free myself 

wound up wearing their shame again

Carrying the weight of someone else’s pain

Mimicking their hurt and pain as my own

over identifying

I am not a scapegoat

there is no target on my back

I am soaring again today

Path to peace

Changing America as we progress towards becoming the better version of who we are now is not an easy task. This is much like moving a mountain, moving from one set of beliefs, of principles, of ideas to a newer more modernized version. In many ways how we speak to one another, how we interact all these things can be changed to be more inclusive, to level the playing field to incorporate all kinds of Americans, regardless of gender, sexuality, religion or color of skin, everyone deserves the same chance at a happy and full-filling life. Everyone deserves to take up space. 

Black lives matter.

Live by standing up for what you believe in and know that you can make a difference. Follow the example of the many political activists and other inspiring men and women who have through the years contributed to the wonderful advantages and freedoms we have today. Yes this is a day old. I was unable to post yesterday. Still, I will not live with regrets wishing I had said something, wishing I had been an advocate for something which matters to me. Equal rights regardless or race or gender. Particularly women’s rights, but inequality based upon race is still a serious issue today. People still miss out on opportunities and have disadvantages based on factors which should not be contributing. The Reality is that this immense inequality has existed throughout the time America has been around and it still exists. Perhaps not in that we practice slavery, but when that ended; we did not do all we should have to better integrate immigrant groups into America. Many Americans have views about race which remain distorted and twisted. This we can work on, but it won’t go away overnight. It remains to be a tall order. We may not be segregated anymore but these deep rooted problems still need work. Ideas regarding superiority and inferiority have become embedded in American History. after being freed slaves had few options and while they were no longer being enslaved many of these men and women had to go back and work for the very same people who had enslaved them. It was vicious. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for these men and women to finally be free yet still feel enslaved. To still feel as though life may remain unequal for them. Today there are still inequalities, but we continue to reshape America into a place which is more welcoming, loving, accepting and slowly more equal. God bless the America we have the potential to truly become. 

“You may be 38 years old, as I happen to be. And one day, some great opportunity stands before you and calls you to stand up for some great principle, some great issue, some great cause. And you refuse to do it because you are afraid…. You refuse to do it because you want to live longer…. You’re afraid that you will lose your job, or you are afraid that you will be criticized or that you will lose your popularity, or you’re afraid that somebody will stab you, or shoot at you or bomb your house; so you refuse to take the stand.
Well, you may go on and live until you are 90, but you’re just as dead at 38 as you would be at 90. And the cessation of breathing in your life is but the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

Dare

Dare to say what is on your mind. Leave the rest that once was behind. Do not allow yourself to be confined to the rules and regulations that once held you back. Get on the offense, despite their attack. Get on track. Forget about all that you lack. Focus on what can be done. Let not the constrictions and confinements allow you to be undone. You count. Your thoughts and ideas matter. Climb the ladder. Being yourself in life is far radder. Collect your thoughts. Let your pen graze the mighty pad. Whether these may be happy or sad. In your truth there is no good or bad. Simply is. Allow yourself to feel, to deal and to heal. All that once was is no longer in control of your decisions. Let each experience mold and shape you into who it is you truly aspire to be. Allow that healing process to set you free. I once was always scared. I believed that no one actually cared. I was not prepared to meet myself in the future. if someone told me I would want to be who I am now I would not have been able to comprehend this. I thought so low of myself. Whatever other’s told me in my mind already was. I let this keep me down. I held on to anger, I kept a consistent frown. Now I can’t help but constantly smile. I become more of myself all the while. I have developed my own kind of style. So let’s keep this movement ever upward. The world is filled with potential. It only bursts and explodes exponential. Empowerment and equality are on the rise. Anything good goes, truly applies. Confidence and independence flies. Let no one decide your fate. Keep on going and just you wait. You have what it takes to soar. Just start to believe it in your core.

Essence

A plethora of guts

Mighty fetching spirit

A bold elixir

Harbinger of heroism

lagoon of loveliness

Lumiere

I named him Lumiere, He is French, but born in Japan. His silver complexion lights my way in the night. Lumiere is the brightest candle, His flickering, my delight. His flickering can set things right. He gleams with pride each time I ride, he is noticeable far and wide. He sways slightly from side to side.

He’s a noticeable knight in shining armor, a noble steed of silver and plastic, utterly fantastic. He weaves in smooth directions. In flight there are no objections. He is my shield, dependable to wield. He is an expert in his field. The shiniest object in the castle, his glow, incomparable. Lumiere is a feather projected in flight. At every careening turn swiftly moving. Your soft silvery complexion is irresistible. Beaming boldly you make an impact. You are my silver shield saving me from potential danger. I am a lucky lady

To have you in my life. You are my calvary clicking it’s heels and spinning it’s wheels. You are made of the best bells and whistles, you are a brush with the best bristles. You are a low maintenance companion. I happened upon you by chance. Saved from potential dangers. You keep me safe all through each drive. When I have you I know I will safely Arrive. You protected me from danger on the road. The guilt and remorse, after only a week together. You were injured to protect me.  

Thank you. 

Baby doe

Our souls knew each other before

When we met you were a breath of fresh air

You are fresh powdery snow on the ground

You make everything feel brand new

As though your eyes have never seen this world before

A Dream to be Accounted for

Mama held my hand as we walked by the scavenging hordes of park adventurers who stood by watching the waddling ducks with vast amusement. As a tiny tike I stood only able to look up and see your hand as it reached for mine. It was the purest bond of mother and daughter, one I have always felt was so unbreakable that even chains of insulated steel couldn’t keep us apart forever. I toddled along my way peering up with all my might seeing as I was confused and only four feet tall. That didn’t stop me with the never ending determination I always seemed to have. At such a young age the mere clip of my memory appears as a dream in my head and I recall it still in the bright beady eyes of the young baby chicken I was. I was shorter than the table but I felt I could reach skyscrapers with my tiny invincible sausage fingers. I was a very wild child I grew up with so many siblings you’d have to count them up to be sure the gang was all present. I was simple and barely remember the sight or glimpse as the water shimmered and the light tickled amongst the sky. Baby blue powder covered the sky as a blanket across my horizon; I stood as tall as possible hopping up on my toes trying to see. Panic slowed with in the atmosphere and my mother hurried looking with a face of worry for her flashy bracelet that sparkled with brilliance as the sapphires shone from the muddy bleak ground. Finally she had found her missing treasure. It had managed to slip off when we took a walk to feed the ducks at the park. Surges of wind began whirling they blew up the sky as the color changed and we hurried to get away before the weather completely changed. The weather always seemed so undeterminable and synonymous with my own reality. As well as the memories I have though quite faint, surely occurred. Because as I look back I remember and recount small details I couldn’t possibly make up. My future, in almost all aspects is my decision maybe you are scared to lose me but in truth, there is no reason that you would lose sight of me from your life completely. I am a mama’s girl always have been.  

Whispering Memories

Immersed inside an enormous blue fish tank, it made the whole room appear as though it were the ocean. underwater. After all, even the walls themselves were already painted a lovely shade of blue. Lying there motionless. The scene seemed to fade in and out as though it might be a glimmer of an old memory, but back then I wasn’t so sure. I recalled this glimpse when I was 14. I was alone with a man whose face I could not remember. He looked like every other average man. Wearing jeans and a blue shirt. Other than that I can’t describe him with certainty. He was just standing there as I lay on the floor motionless. I couldn’t move. I stared at the fish tank as he unzipped his pants, but then I woke up. That was all I could really remember. At first I wasn’t sure if it was real or a dream. As I reflected years later I came to understand my dream as a valid memory. It was distorted fading in and out. I was a child and even though I dreamt it I did not really want to remember. I was not scared but I knew I should have been. I was powerless but I’m not anymore. These dreams have meaning. They echo in the back of our minds, but we have the ability to grasp freedom. 

Bottom feeder

Each of us come from the ground. we rise from the dirt and stand firm. We had nothing to hold and yet we would not fold. never gave up. no matter the hurt, no matter the corruption surrounding us. we continue. we are on a path for only ourselves. on the way we’ll find the best of friends. If we are fortunate. the good and the bad. but the bad mean nothing. they are as significant as an empty thought. as clever as chlamydia. they are smarter than the stupid and still none the wiser. they are averagely amateur. they say the worst because they feel like nothing. they are nothing. and ever more become nothing nothing but a bottom feeder. 

The monster, just a metaphor - human excuse for fear you cannot speak of - 5-22 -18

Monsters meant to scare, to me inspire.

Reminders of how I have felt 

Wearing masks 

They are not the hardened beasts we’ve been deceived into believing

They are hiding from the same things we are

We think the monster is what we are running from

Monsters we constructed to make sense of our world

Hatred towards them has been hurled 

Our own hurt feelings unfurled and misdirected

Monsters exist in closets, for we make it so

Where else can an ugly thing go ?

Where else can he ugly grin and glow?

What you are missing is merely what you do not know

We have constructed beasts and fangs in our defensiveness

The monsters are from our world

The devil was once an angel, can you believe it?

It is easier for the monster to be foreign as opposed to 

Human flesh and less obtrusive features 

These beasts are something to keep your eyes on 

While in the background danger is actually lurking all around

The closet is the hiding place 

The stranger hurting you is not a stranger, he has a face

So familiar it haunts your nightmares 

And your waking life simultaneously

How many nights will you wake up sweat dripping and violently shaking

Monsters did not do this to you

The monster is everywhere but the closet

The monster is not as ugly on the outside as it is on the inside

It is easier to blame an ugly face than acknowledge these true horrors

Horror is not only seen, but heard and felt

A gut which knows something is off, but cannot put their finger on it

For me the monsters are the comfort

The monsters were my friends

Hiding in the closet with me as i waited 

They were never really why i feared the dark, but a good excuse to use 

The fear of the dark was a human without reason

A violator who did not care if i was sleeping

The monsters in my dreams never scared me

They were the processing I could do safely 

When I ran from them inside me i knew they would not hurt me

For it was never really them I was running from 

I have always been fascinated by monsters

Wondered why all the dreams I’ve remembered contain them

Yet in each instance I felt no fear of them

I felt a sense of control

Knew they would not hurt me 

I ran and feared, but i knew my real fear was not the monster at all 

Something else more sinister

We think beasts are to be feared 

But man seems more disturbing to me

Monsters were constructed by the mind 

For processing - not fear

Attention getters and even friends

True Madness - the monster is no monster at all

A scapegoat for the truth

Something to blame, to answer for the crimes 

Committed by humans 

embrace myself

I used to sit around and care too much about what you thought about me 

whether you like me or not

But I never thought about whether I already loved myself

I made decisions based on fears 

I invited hurt and disappointment 

Today I refuse to live that way 

I don’t care if people actually look at my tumblr

knowing no one reads it makes it easier to speak my mind

I used to waste energy looking perfect now I try to accept my flaws 

to hold them in loving kindness

I used to tell other people what i thought they wanted to hear

All the energy I put into judgement consumed so much of my time

Time that today I put to better use

I don’t live in a place of unworthiness

I take risks more often than I used to

When that fear comes crawling back up

 I don't let it determine my destination

remind myself it is part of the process 

allowing fear to be turned into courage 

the act of walking through it - transformative.

Changing the course of our sails

instead of building walls I break barriers

instead of destroying I renew and rebuild

instead of living absorbed in myself and my fears

I choose to live courageously outside of my own comfort

instead of hate I spread love 

there is no greater strength than this.

Rest Assured.

Even if what we do today is forgotten, doing right, and standing up for what you believe in is still important. Being who you are means living up to who you think you are. Who you are is entirely determined based upon your actions. Even if others cannot see it, you can. To feel good, to feel satisfied that I did what I could I have to try today and be a better person. When my head hits the pillow, I can sleep assured of this and proud. Integrity matters. Do as you say you do. Not do as I say and not what I do. People pick up on our behavior. We imitate one another. I believe if I do better maybe so can others. 

The Universe in your eyes.

Every time I am with you the world lights up. You are fire. I love the way you dance. I love that no matter where we are you see a dog, a lizard or something that I would never have noticed. Maybe I would not have cared, but you do. It makes your day to see a dog. To take pictures of everything. Even if you have seen something a hundred times, its as though it is still brand new to you. I love this about you.  

keep your head up.

Know your worth. Know this within yourself and believe in how important you are today. You can make a difference. Challenge yourself to get uncomfortable and to maintain an honest existence. You have choices. You have strengths and you have weaknesses. Further develop these strengths which lie within you and build upon what already exists, no matter how far down these things might be hidden. I used to think differently. I thought I did not matter. But I learned this was a false belief I was holding onto. I reject these hurtful ideas and focus my energy on building others up... holding up my head instead. 

Courage of the open heart

my inky outgrown mind wants to see the pure fresh snow melt 

my awakened one says

just ride the waves till you find peace. acceptance

my awakened heart and mind says 

everything in life is a cycle

will not always go our way

but revenge and spite will get you nowhere fast 

the real answer is to process these emotions

allow yourself to be raw

work through any challenges 

anger never works to solve problems

only creates more

manifesting itself viciously in various areas of our lives

a disease of unsettled, unhappy darkness

unwelcoming isolation

I am tired of causing myself more misery than necessary

doesn’t work for me anymore, it serves no purpose

no relief, no satisfaction, just wicked bitterness

only creates more of it

I don’t want to swim in that dark water anymore

I’m tired of drowning

I want to flow with the waves 

to accept what is here

maybe what i thought was one thing was not what I perceived anyways

maybe it was an illusion, a delusion

a fantasy of what i thought I wanted

of what I thought could be

I know the feeling of unease and disease

I don’t live there anymore

I’ve worked hard to become the woman I am

I refuse to go backwards

I refuse to be less than real and authentic

whatever disappointment or self-doubt is still there

I will continue to dismember

to go back to remembering my true self

I don’t need the validation I used to require

I don’t need to be with someone else to be happy 

don’t need to get everything I think I want

the world does not work that way

sometimes God says no and no amount of will can change that

if I were to pursue that the results would not change

I have courage in acceptance

I have courage when I hold on to that awakened heart

I bow to what is right here, right now.

the good thoughts and the bad

I accept them as being part of my experience

gently sifting through and i follow the ones that lift me up